Sometimes I feel like a broken record. Talking about the hard stuff, the heavy stuff, the grief and the grueling work that many don’t want to hear about.
I guess I am known to dwell in the past. But it’s because a lot of my identity is left there. Or the person I thought I was. She lives within the books not yet finished, hidden from view. Like when there are pages stuck together, and you can’t get them unfurled from one another. I feel myself living in a page that cannot be read.
And yet, I am hopeful that moving on from a shitty decade brings new ventures. I am optimistic that some of the harder years of my life are in the rear view mirror. Of course, it wasn’t all bad. I found and lost love in the last decade. I created a human being from scratch and birthed him in the last decade. I made many memories and devoured enough of the world to know that I am a homebody who likes my little creature comforts.
When I have the urge to fly the nest, to travel and see new sights, I am reminded of my cozy bed and a sign that reads ‘home sweet home’. I am looking forward to the next decade being filled with many exciting thrills, but also a lot of time spent in my own space, getting to know the person I am when I feel safe.
I am a Cancer rising, after all. Cancers carry their homes on their backs, like crabs do. I have moved so many God damn times, carrying my home along with me. Unpacking these boxes in a real home feels like unearthing pieces of me I didn’t remember existed. I am having a hard time fitting the puzzle pieces together. One by one, they will slowly merge. The pages stuck together are going to unfurl. There is still so much of the story that hasn’t been written yet.
As we embark on 2024, I want to remember the lessons 2014 taught me. I want to say goodbye to it in a sense; let it go for good. I talked about this in depth in my first therapy session of the week, after finding an old letter written by my mom in a box. Truthfully, it was so painful to recall those years and what happened in them. I was triggered more than once and so much came up that was previously buried. Here’s why.